I'll tell you a not-so-little story that I can hardly believe myself - even though I am living it.
As some of you know, I was struggling back in July to come to terms with some unresolved issues related to a past relationship. At one point toward the end of that month, I realized that there was no way to resolve them and so I just had to finally let go. There was a definite shift in that moment when my internal state changed and I became ready to really move on.
That same afternoon a former coworker of mine was driving home from work. (We'll call him "D".) He has been in the process of dismantling a 25-year marriage since January. We have known each other for 13 years and worked together very intensely for the first 7 of those years. Somewhere around the beginning of July, he had started to think more about his future and what he wanted for the next phase of his life. At almost precisely the same moment I was making my decision to move on, he made his decision that this was the night he should call me.
When the phone rang and my dear, long-time friend and colleague asked me if I would "consider going out on a date" with him, I had a few moments of stunned silence - partially because I never imagined that he would think of me in this way and partially because my mind was rewinding the events of the previous month and thinking that the universe was having a good laugh at me.
After I recovered my voice, the first words out of my mouth were, "How would H feel about this?" You see, after all these years I know his ex-wife too. He said that she was the first to actually suggest it back in May. (She even called me later that week to give her approval.)
I honestly didn't know whether our great work partnership would translate into something more intimate, but I was very curious to find out and I thought it was so brave of him to call someone he would have to face for years to come even if I turned him down - I couldn't possibly say no. We had our first date on August 1st, just 2 months shy of 13 years from the day we met. It was very strange those first few weeks, but we found out that we have good romantic chemistry as well as being great "partners".
The last weekend in August, we decided to make a quick visit out to my parents. It felt a little early, but with my dad's health declining and our next opportunity not for another month we decided to push things forward a bit in case my dad wasn't feeling well when our next chance came. On a whim, D grabbed his camera because he had been wanting to get a photo of the two of us and was hoping my folks could take one.
D and my parents hit it off very well. (He is a deeply good man who actually reminds me a lot of my dad.) Dad took some photos of us and D took some photos of me with Mom and Dad. At one point when I was out of the room, D made a point of telling my dad that he would be there for me and that I would be taken care of. After we left, my dad told Mom how much he liked D and what a good guy he seemed to be. That was the last day my dad was himself.
The next day when I went to visit, Dad had lost his sense of humor. A few days later he lost all ability to communicate with us. A week later he was gone. D met my dad on the last day he was himself and took the last photo that was ever taken of him. I have yet to tell this story to anyone who believes this is coincidence.
Maybe it was destiny. Maybe it is just that my dad let go when he knew I would be okay. I don't know. What I do know is that I have never experienced respect, compassion, and appreciation on this scale. I have always known in my head that respect is key to a relationship but until I really experienced it, I never realized the extent to which it permeates and changes everything.
What an incredible gift at an amazing time. D has been gradually changing my perceptions of what I am worth and my expectations about what a relationship can and should be. My life will never be the same.
It has been just over a month since Daddy passed away. A month of meeting with funeral directors, trying to make sense of mountains of financial papers, finding hidden treasures in Dad's closet, and shuttling Mom back and forth to Kaiser.
Mom started having serious pain in her hip the day Dad died. She got up that morning thinking she didn't know how she was going to take care of him that day and went in to find him gone. She still feels a little bit guilty - as if somehow it was her fault.
Trying to work through her health issues with Kaiser has been a complicated, frustrating experience. I don't really understand why it is taking them so long to address her pain. I think they have too many members for the number of doctors. Not that they haven't done anything - I understand that it can take time to find the right solution. But the time between attempts is too long. The pain has spread to her back and she is starting to retain water in her feet - which means that her symptoms are following my Dad's right down the line. My best guess, based on our experience with Dad, is that she has another 4 or 5 months.
This time I am the only caregiver and she is not only physically hampered but also mentally disoriented, which Dad never was until his last week. I think this is largely because of the pain medication but probably also a side-effect of grief. I am now spending about 4 days a week there to help keep an eye on her especially since she is getting confused about when to take medications.
I have done some grieving for my Dad, especially while preparing the slide show and eulogy for the memorial. But I have been so consumed with taking care of Mom and her finances that my experience of grief has been disrupted. I suspect that I will have a pretty big collapse when mom goes that will be part grief/part relief.
It sounds odd, maybe even terrible, but I have a strange sense of belonging in these events. I have been dreading this time for the last year and a half. The beginning of grief is also the end of anticipating it. A substantial part of the dread is the fear of the unknown. Fear of making the wrong decisions, of not knowing the right things to do for them. That part gets a little easier with every milestone along this journey.
It is not all gloom and doom here. Good things - even amazing things - happen when you least expect them. But that is a story for Part 2....
real; genuine; authentic; sincere; not deceitful;
firm in allegiance; loyal; faithful; steadfast;
being or reflecting the essential or genuine character of something;
exact; precise; accurate; correct;
reliable; unfailing; sure;
honest; honorable; upright.
My dear dad passed away this morning. I can think of no better word to describe him than "true". He was a deeply good man who did everything he could for those around him. He lost his ability to communicate with us last Wednesday, but I know he chose his time. He refused water and even his pain medicine starting yesterday morning and managed to say to Mom, "Don't force me." He died in his sleep sometime around 4am and looked very peaceful for the first time in several days. I am grateful that he is no longer suffering.
Bye-bye Daddy.
